For nearly three weeks, I was a guest at an all-inclusive establishment I did not book, could not review in advance, and have already tried to unsubscribe from: a hospital. The amenities were plentiful. The exit was theoretical. The minibar was a blood pressure cuff.
The headline attraction: my blood pressure, which has decided that normal numbers are merely a suggestion. It produces highs that arrive like bad news and lows that arrive like a fire drill. The working theories are autonomic dysfunction and possible baroreflex dysfunction, which is a very fancy way of saying the thermostat in the walls is improvising.
As it was explained to me, there are approximately 900 bajillion ways to lower blood pressure and about two and a half ways to raise it. Naturally, my body chose the complicated option. It always chooses the complicated option.
The shortlist now includes renal denervation, a permanent procedure that would evict some of my kidneys’ nerves — presumably without a forwarding address. Everyone involved is understandably nervous about trading my spectacular highs for my spectacular lows. A permanent renovation for a building whose blueprint is still being written? No. We are not signing anything today.
Meanwhile, my sinuses are running their own subplot. The surgery behind all of this is rare-of-the-rare, so there is no handy manual titled What Jenni’s Face Is Going to Do Next. We are learning as we go, and what my face has decided to do next is bleed. Frequently. With commitment.
The staff, for the record: five stars. The view was genuinely beautiful. The nurses and aides were helpful and — let’s be honest — ridiculously good looking. When rapid response rolled in, I assumed we had started filming television. Mark, who witnessed the entrance, said it best: “How do they send that team in and expect your blood pressure to go down? I’m a guy, and I think my heart skipped a beat.”
Final review: 0/10. Would not book this vacation package again. But if I had to be sick, I am glad it was there, with that view and that staff. Current status: possibly home tomorrow, still bleeding, blood pressure still freelancing, nervous system under investigation, and extremely ready to return to my regularly scheduled programming.
